Surreal New Age fantasy
By Jenya Stashkov
July 29th 2023, Sheffield
Cast:
1 performer - BIRDWOMAN
2 performer - KNIGHT, RED BULL, PINK FERN BUSH, BOY, GIANT PIECE OF BREAD, GIRL, UNIVERSE, HUMANITY
1.
Before the Big Bang.
The edge of the universe.
An asteroid.
The KNIGHT stands in medieval armor, looks into the distance, thinks out loud.
KNIGHT (looks into the distance). The universe is so big. But the main problem is that I am the only one living here, there is no one else. There is only one being in this vast whole universe. I. No one knows what is hidden under my armor. No one knows why and from whom I am guarding this asteroid.
WHISPER OF BIRDWOMAN. The universe is shaped like a swan's yolk.
KNIGHT. One day it seemed to me that someone had attacked my asteroid. So I took my sword and cut off my head. No one knows that there is no head under my helmet.
WHISPER OF BIRDWOMAN. Stars and planets are small fragments of eggshells.
KNIGHT. A cloud has settled in my helmet. When I was angry, it started raining inside the armor. When I was hungry, I remembered that I didn't have a mouth.
WHISPER OF BIRDWOMAN. Galaxies and star holes are bird footprints left somewhere on the hot hills of straw deserts.
KNIGHT. My severed head rolled away somewhere very far away, and then I heard a sound.
WHISPER OF BIRDWOMAN. In these deserts, instead of sand, the beaks and feathers of unknown giant creatures are ground into powder.
KNIGHT. Someone else has appeared in this universe.
WHISPER OF BIRDWOMAN. In these deserts, oases are like bowls of cereal.
KNIGHT. A giant glowing bird with a woman's face. She appeared because the universe was very lonely with me, a meaningless and boring lonely knight. A giant glowing bird with a woman's face was born out of the loneliness of the universe, then she destroyed this loneliness, and then she flew away somewhere far, far away and I never saw her again.
2.
BIRDWOMAN (flies at the speed of light and examines herself). There should be a place for me in this universe. A place where I'll be needed. A place that will call me. A place that will show me. I am above all things and I am full of love. There are rings on my paws. And my feathers are golden and iridescent. On my head is a headdress made of glow, jewels and energy. I look like…
RED BULL (appears in her path). Ahem, ahem. Who do we have here?
BIRDWOMAN. I was born out of the loneliness of the universe and I am looking for a place where I could settle.
RED BULL. Ahem, ahem. There is no more room for love, birds and girls in this universe. Only bulls, only hardcore, only militarism, only ultra-violence!
BIRDWOMAN. I heard these words a second before I was born.
RED BULL. Ahem, ahem. I am the first red bull, there will be many more red bulls. And one red pig.
BIRDWOMAN. Get out of my way.
RED BULL. Ahem, ahem. There is no way. You're standing still.
BIRDWOMAN. My real face is hidden under my human face. If you see him, then you will turn into a red stone.
RED BULL. Ahem, ahem. I'm not afraid of anything. I am the son of the red stone.
BIRDWOMAN. Then see my true face.
RED BULL screams and turns into a red path.
BIRDWOMAN. The red bull turned into a red path leading somewhere deep into the colorless universe. Well, I'll follow this road.
3.
BIRDWOMAN (walking along the red path). I can hear someone breathing. Who's here?
PINK FERN BUSH. Don't come near me.
BIRDWOMAN. What's your name?
PINK FERN BUSH. Don't come near me.
BIRDWOMAN. What are you saying, where is your mouth?
PINK FERN BUSH. You went the wrong way.
BIRDWOMAN. I had no choice.
PINK FERN BUSH. Even if you had no choice, then you need to turn around and find another way.
BIRDWOMAN. Why? I like the red way.
PINK FERN BUSH. On the red road you will meet pink ferns. And you'll want to talk to them, and one day you'll want to sit on a pink fern. But it will be a trap. If you sit on a pink fern, you will turn into a pink fern. Why do you think there are so many pink ferns on the red way? Because birdwomen usually don't listen to what pink ferns tell them.
BIRDWOMAN. Yes, I think I want to sit on you.
PINK FERN BUSH. I will record this case under the number 753.
BIRDWOMAN. I sit down.
The universe is shaking and singing.
4.
BIRDWOMAN. I don't think I've turned into a pink fern. To sit on something is such happiness. To feel the ground under the ass is such happiness.
SOMEONE'S VOICE. Thank you, honey! You set me free.
BIRDWOMAN. Pink fern, is that you?
SOMEONE'S VOICE. No, I'm not a pink fern anymore. From now on, I'm a boy with a dying star for a head.
BIRDWOMAN. And where did the fern go?
BOY. Forget about the fern.
BIRDWOMAN. What fern?
BOY. Did you forget so quickly?
BIRDWOMAN. Who are you?
BOY. And who are you?
BIRDWOMAN. And who am I?
BOY. You're a birdwoman with a magical ass. You sat on me and freed me. Therefore, I will give you a complete loss of memory and your true path. Go there (pointing somewhere with his finger).
5.
BIRDWOMAN (flies on the true path, increases in size). I don't remember anything. I only remember the old spell. I will repeat it until I arrive.
careful, bloom, sticky, hum, radiant
careful, bloom, sticky, hum, radiant
careful, bloom, sticky, hum, radiant
careful, bloom, sticky, hum, radiant
careful, bloom, sticky, hum, radiant
GIANT PIECE OF BREAD. Mistress, you called me.
BIRDWOMAN. What? Who are you?
GIANT PIECE OF BREAD. I'm a bread golem. You've read the bread golem summoning spell.
BIRDWOMAN. What can you do?
GIANT PIECE OF BREAD. I can turn into stone. More precisely, I can turn into very hard dried bread. I mean... I'm going to dry up soon.
BIRDWOMAN. What can I do for you?
GIANT PIECE OF BREAD. Open me up and bite me, it will give you strength for your journey.
BIRDWOMAN. I can't do that to you. It will hurt you.
GIANT PIECE OF BREAD. The pain is caused by a melon seed that sprouts inside my crumb. Everything else is nonsense.
BIRDWOMAN. I don't like bread.
GIANT PIECE OF BREAD. What do you like?
BIRDWOMAN. Follow the true path.
GIANT PIECE OF BREAD. May the Triune Goddess protect you!
BIRDWOMAN. May the Horned God protect you!
GIANT PIECE OF BREAD. If you don't want bread, here's a bowl of cereal. Just eat carefully, otherwise…
BIRDWOMAN. Don't teach me to eat cereal…
The birdwoman begins to eat cereal greedily and accidentally falls into a bowl of cereal.
6.
BIRDWOMAN. I started eating cereal greedily. I fell into a bowl of cereal. But in reality, flakes are not flakes. A cup is not a cup. This is a passage between worlds. There are no passages between the worlds. There are only narrow tubes through which we can crawl to get to other worlds. However, we pay for every transition to another world with a complete change of our destinies and bodies.
GIRL. Birdwoman, save me.
BIRDWOMAN. I saw a girl being chased by something exuding dark and red energies.
GIRL. Please sing a non-existent song. This will disperse the dark forces.
BIRDWOMAN. How can I sing a non-existent song if it doesn't exist yet?
GIRL. Please improvise.
Musical number. The birdwoman sings a non-existent song.
The dark forces are leaving.
GIRL. Thank you very much, birdwoman! I will tell all the people in the universe that such a good being as you appeared in our universe.
BIRDWOMAN. Yes, please tell me about me in different places, on different planets, in different countries. It seems that I will never find my place until people call me.
GIRL. And what will you give these people?
BIRDWOMAN. And what do people need?
GIRL. Moneys'.
BIRDWOMAN. I can only give them peace of mind and inspiration.
GIRL. Not bad either. Fly towards that green star.
BIRDWOMAN. Thank you, girl!
GIRL. I am 700,000 thousand years old. Technically, I'm a cross between a lichen and a black hole.
BIRDWOMAN. No comments.
7.
BIRDWOMAN. I've been flying towards the green star for a billion years and haven't gotten an inch closer to it. There's no point in flying somewhere. It makes sense to fly to someone. And if there is no one, then there is no point. The universe is meaningless.
UNIVERSE. I am the universe. Why are you swearing at me? Why are you calling me names?
BIRDWOMAN. So that's what the universe is like!
UNIVERSE. I didn't get much sleep, but yes... that's how I look…
BIRDWOMAN. Is it true that I was born out of your loneliness?
UNIVERSE. Not quite. You were born from the pattern on my wedding dress.
BIRDWOMAN. Did you have a wedding? Who is your wife? Or who is your husband?
UNIVERSE. I have a wedding dress, but I haven't had a wedding yet.
BIRDWOMAN. Will there be a wedding?
UNIVERSE. When everyone in the universe finds their place and follows their vocations, then I will have a wedding.
BIRDWOMAN. That is, never…
UNIVERSE. Most likely, but I'm not losing my optimism…
BIRDWOMAN. I'm wandering around the universe and I don't know what to do next.
UNIVERSE. Let's see what we can come up with.
BIRDWOMAN. Come on.
UNIVERSE. Close your eyes.
BIRDWOMAN. Closed it.
UNIVERSE. Shut your mouth.
BIRDWOMAN (through closed lips). Closed it.
UNIVERSE. Close your nose.
BIRDWOMAN (nods)
UNIVERSE. And now... listen…
8.
BIRDWOMAN. Somewhere far away on planet Earth, on a continent that looks like a chicken thigh, people lived. One girl told these people that somewhere far away from them, a birdwoman is flying through the boundless universe and is waiting for her to be called somewhere.
HUMANITY. Yes, we are people. We live on a continent that looks like a chicken thigh. No, not Australia. We are tired of living the way we live. We need calmness and inspiration. We heard that a female bird is flying somewhere in the sky. Birdwoman, if you can hear us, come to us, live with us, sit with your magic ass on our country, feel our land. We will be grateful to you and even make a stupid and strange online performance in your honor.
BIRDWOMAN. I need to think about it.
9.
BIRDWOMAN. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I think. I agree. I'M FLYING TO YOU.
10.
KNIGHT. Hurray! Holiday. Happiness. Solemn music. A giant birdwoman flies to where people called her. She sat on top of the country and closed it from all the bad things that were in the world and in the hearts of the people who called the birdwoman and who inhabited this country. People did not live richer, but hope appeared in their minds. This means that the probability that the universe will play its wedding has become higher! Glory to the giant birdwoman!